TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE ASAP
Please send this to others.

Elizabeth Shephard ingeniously blends key concepts in “Controlling People” with the story of the “Burning Bush.” She presented her view as a sermon at her church.

I hope that people throughout the country will also hear it. I invite you to send “The Burning Bush” URL to any minister, priest, rabbi, spiritual or religious leader with whom you have contact. He or she has permission to present it in any talk or sermon.

Whatever your beliefs, I hope you find this account of the Burning Bush fascinating. It is a remarkable portrayal of people’s desire to understand their experience, to feel connected and to build relationships. —Patricia Evans

THE BURNING BUSH—by Elizabeth Shephard
“On August 5th, 2011, NASA launched the first completely solar-powered space probe on a 6-year journey to orbit Jupiter. The purpose of this launch is to research Jupiter’s gaseous cloud tops where scientists believe reside the secrets to the birth of our solar system. Jupiter is the largest planet in our galaxy, 318 x the size of earth and 2.5 times the size of everything else in our solar system put together. In its first 3 weeks, this completely solar-powered probe, traveling at speeds up to 160,000 miles per hour, traveled 6.2 million miles from Earth – just one small step on its six-year journey. Over 10,000 people showed up to see something launch into space without it even having any people on it.

Now I know we are a diverse bunch – that 10,000 people show up to events every day, whether it be horse racing, a Phish concert, or American Idol—but I believe that each of us can relate to the awe of space—especially something launching into space that will travel all the way to Jupiter completely powered by the sun. Each of us can relate to the desire to know—the desire to understand the origin of our solar system—a part of God’s work that is no more and no less than each of our own individual births. It is this same sense of wonder that perhaps would lead each of us to take a second look at a burning bush.

In scripture, God calls out to Moses in one of the most miraculous of ways. And Moses responds to God’s signal by saying, “I must turn aside and look at this great sight, and see why the bush is not burned up…” I must turn aside…and see...One could argue that one of the most compelling forces in the world is this desire for connection—a desire to understand our relationship to the world around us. A desire to make sense of a burning bush, a shooting star, and the origin of life itself.

Yet, sometimes things go wrong—despite their desire to discover connection to the world, some people may find themselves estranged, disconnected, pushing people miles and miles away—losing a relationship with a friend or a partner—only to realize they’ve lost that which they seek most. They are left wondering, ‘what happened?’ I sometimes wonder if Pharaoh after his people revolted and escaped, wondered, ‘how did this happen? How was this possible? This wasn’t the way this was supposed to turn out.’

In her book Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You, Patricia Evans explains that if we aren’t aware of our own and other’s separateness and individuality, we are not able to form healthy and authentic connections to others. It is only through inner connection—our connection to ourselves—that we can be interconnected to each other. She explains that if we understand our own unique experience, it then becomes senseless to try to define or control someone else’s experience. It becomes clearer to us that defining, abusing, or trying to control others is simply impossible.

In scripture, the Egyptians defined the Israelites as slaves. The King of Egypt built his connection to other people by “pretending” to know what they were and then controlling them—forcing them into difficult labor—to make them be who he said they were, slaves. He went so far to maintain his control that he asked all midwives to kill any baby boy born in the City who might eventually threaten his power. But the midwives – despite all that was at stake, let the boys live. They did not let Pharaoh define their behavior. They listened to their own inner-voice, even while risking great punishment.

Most of us have experienced someone trying to define, belittle, tease, ridicule, or ignore our very being. [This is verbal abuse.] Most of us have experienced being “put in a box” by statements like: “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “That’s not what you think,” or even, “You’ll never amount to anything.” Most of us have experienced being ridiculed for even the smallest of mistakes: “He can’t even count, much less be an accountant!” Most of us experienced someone ignoring our feelings, “Stop crying. Get over it. Move on.”

Even society can oppress a person by phrases or norms such as “A woman’s place is in the home.” Sometimes these false connections are so strong that it is as if we are under a spell, where our entire sense of security is built from a prescription outside of our control. We are hypnotized to the rules of something outside of us seeking power and control over our lives. Maybe it’s our parents, society, a dictator, or a bully at school, or maybe it’s our own best friend. Instead of our souls being nurtured and liberated, we forget ourselves and who God has made us to be. We let others define us. We get stuck in Egypt.

When people don’t ask but tell us who we are or what we do, they are practicing a kind of dangerous sorcery. They don’t have the power to see into our minds, our hearts, and our souls. Only God can do that. Yet, some, in this way, take the name of God in vain. By defining others, they are not only disrespecting God, but also disrespecting another person’s freedom of expression, which can lead to depression, anger, confusion, and broken relationships—the opposite of true connection and love.

So if controlling others gets people the opposite of what they really want, why do they do it? Perhaps the only way controllers know how to connect is not through love—heart to heart, but by making up a connection, by forcing the other to be what the controller has made up in their mind. While our ability to feel, experience our own sensations, have intuition, and reason is given to each of us by God from our births, we can be traumatized to the extent that we lose these precious internal radar systems.

“Controlling People” describes a damaging parenting style. For example, in response to a child, Joe, who falls and skins his knee, a parent tells Joe that he has nothing to cry about; He’s not hurt and is causing a scene, and wasting time. Thus, Joe’s personal experience of feeling pain is rejected, and perhaps Joe thinks to himself, “I guess I’m not hurt.” Growing up, Joe loses his feelings, some of himself and projects that lost self in another, who must be the rest of him, be it his slave, his adoring partner or his scapegoat. Joe makes controlling connections with those around him. He is centered, not in himself, but in others. People often find Joe very controlling.

On the other hand, in a different family, a boy also named Joe falls and skins his knee and his parents respond with “Are you ok? Are you hurt? Are you hungry? What can I do to help?” Joe can say, “Yes, I am hurt.” Joe can validate his own feelings and connect to his own self. Joe grows up understanding that other people’s feelings are their own – that he cannot control what other people say and do. I believe these examples tell a story about individuals who’s self-definition is either rejected or nurtured by their surrounding environment. Regardless of whether you are a parent, we each can decide if we will play a role of nurturing freedom of expression or if we will try to define and control others.

In the biblical account of the burning bush, I believe God provides us with a powerful lesson that emphasizes the importance of nurturing self-discovery. When Moses witnesses the burning bush, he says “I must turn aside and look at this great sight, and see why the bush is not burned up” Moses does not make any assumptions about the burning bush -- but looks to it for answers. I don’t know about you, but if I saw a burning bush, I’d probably yell fire! Call 911 and then do what my schoolteachers always taught me: Stop, Drop, and Roll!

But, perhaps, if I wasn’t hurried, if I was really listening to myself, if I wasn’t on automatic pilot, I would notice, as Moses did, that the bush was burning, but not consumed—that something else was going on—something deeper than what my eyes could see. It is when Moses takes the time to turn and examine the bush, that God speaks out to him.

“When the Lord saw that he had turned aside to see, God called out to him out of the bush: “Moses! Moses!” And Moses responds: “Here I am.” “Here I am.” The small voice inside you, the gut check, the conscience you hear when making a decision—that’s what makes you you. That’s your unique soul—your spirit. Do you feel it? Some believe that what we call intuition is simply a channel to speak to God. Unfortunately, many of us become disconnected from our inner selves. Instead of being aware of our own internal voice, we listen to someone else; Our self-esteem is directed completely externally—we feel good by following rules, equations, norms—and we feel lost when we make mistakes – when we are simply experiencing life in the fullest.

But God calls to us to know what is real, and what is not. What is pretend and what is not. Who you are and who you are not. God asks Moses to bring the Israelites out of Egypt – to a “good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey…” When Moses doubts himself and questions, “Who am I that I should go?” God reminds Moses and reminds us, “I will be with you.”

God is literally with us. Whether you want to call it your gut or your spirit, God is connected to each and every one of us. At times, when you doubt yourself, when you feel lost, turn inward to find your strength. In fact, the word religion comes from the word religere- which means to turn inward—build spiritual connections from the inside out—not the outside in.

At the end of the scripture, Moses asks God “what shall I tell the people is the name of God?” And God says tell them “I am who I am” has sent me. This phrase can also be translated as: I shall be that I shall be, or I am the Existing One. This powerful statement “I am who I am” resonates with the concept that God is All – yet a distinguished being, just as we are both connected and distinct.

“Controlling People” explores the control of cult leaders. Patricia Evans interviewed a woman who escaped a cult she was born into. She asked the woman how she was able to break free. The woman was born into a world where her talents were carefully put down and ridiculed, where she was told that if she followed every rule in the cult, she would be most spiritually free—yet she found herself in a spiritual prison, where everyone was to look at the Cult leader for direction, and all feelings were not to be recognized. One day, after hearing a confession of another member of the cult who was sexually abused by the cult leader, she snuck out at night and “sat in the dark in nature.” She described her experience as “having a sense of unity with something real.” This empowered her. That something real, I believe, is God’s presence—God’s Truth speaking to us.

I believe that if we have the ability to go all the way to Jupiter, we have the ability to launch an expedition to discover the depths of our own souls. We can learn to carry God’s great voice saying “I Am that I am.” I am hurt. I am joyful. I am warned. I am called upon. Listening to ourselves doesn’t mean that we always do what we want. It means that we hear God’s voice within us while knowing that our experience is shared among all people. Being able to focus on our internal connection doesn’t mean we are selfish, it means that we are living life on the edge – in the most full and complete way. It means that we can shoot for the moon.

Wherever you may be in your own experience of inner and interconnection —wherever you may be with your own issues of control—remember the story of Pharaoh. Choose consciously what you will or will not accept, what you like and don’t like, who you are and who you are not. Take a second look at the burning bush. Get out of Egypt. Wake up to your experiences. It is only when we can walk in our Truth that we can discover the greatest love of all.

Let us pray,
Dear God,
Help us to remember that being an individual is a process of Creation. Instead of dividing our lives into successes and failures, help us see life as a series of learning experiences. Remind us that real power emerges organically from being who we are and knowing how connected we are to You. Help us stand for love when others are afraid. Help us stand behind those who are attacked, diminished, and defined so that we may empower Your creation to grow and evolve as you intended it. Help us bond for, not against other people’s experiences. With your guidance may we bring peace to our world by loving ourselves as we are, and loving all people as they are, as members of One.
In your arms we rest in peace,
Amen

—Elizabeth Shephard is a Lay Leader at Rayne Memorial Methodist Church in New Orleans. She also is the Founder and President of LifeCity, LLC, a start-up company.  LifeCity helps businesses become more socially and environmentally responsible, certifies them, and connects these companies to conscious consumers.  Learn more at mylifecity.com.

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This poem expresses the fear that angry verbal abuse generates.

Tide Mark

When my name turns
sour in his mouth,

when he comes riding toward
me foaming and churning,

I am swept out,
swept clean.

He is multiplied
through rage.

He is too many.

—Melissa McIntosh Brown


What? One might wonder, could anyone do to someone to generate so much anger that he would rage at his partner. It only takes one thing, she moved, walked, talked, expressed a thought, or simply existed in a way that didn’t match his mind.... So he lost it. Read Controlling People for all the details. Melissa contributed another poem for that book. I am so glad because I see her as a great, great poet.

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TOWARD COMPASSION FOR SURVIVORS OF VERBAL ABUSE

This is a powerful perspective on why some women stay, at least for a
while, with a verbal abuser who will not leave nor do the hard work of change. Of course, there are other reasons; most commonly, it is to protect a child or children from being alone with an angry and unpredictable parent. [Previously published in a past newsletter]

The story that follows adds so much to understanding the fear people have in the presence of irrational behavior— verbal abuse.

A beautiful young woman, not yet thirty called me crying from fear. "Does being so afraid to leave mean that I am really, really abused?" she asked.

She was about to brave the freezing winter winds and eminent snow to get away while her abusive husband was not around. This was her window of opportunity. After talking with her a few minutes, I realized the verbal abuse she endured was truly horrific. To just call it extreme would be downplaying her experience. In those few minutes, I also realized how very smart, articulate and amazing she was. I asked her, "Would you someday, send me a note about what you just told me? I know it will help others to understand the fear the craziness generates. In the middle of that very same night, safely ensconced in a cozy and secret place, she sent me the following email, to help others.

"For those who compare living with a verbal abuser to being a Prisoner of War, I can tell you that it's not even close. Being a Prisoner of War is actually easier. At least, when you are a Prisoner of War, you are taken against your will. You KNOW that you are living with the enemy. You KNOW that they are lying to you. You KNOW that they are feeding you propaganda, and you can mentally fight it. Verbal abusers are far more sinister because they befriend you, win your heart, and gain your trust.

I have never been a P.O.W., but I have been to war. I have fallen asleep to the sound of machine gun fire each night. I have worked in buildings peppered with holes from mortar rounds. I have walked through mine fields. I have been trained to keep my wits during terrorist attacks. But, leaving the man, that I believed was my soul-mate, is BY FAR the scariest thing that I have ever done!—Veteran, US Air Force

Yes, she had been in the Air Force, had slept under fire, and she is
quite brave. I'll always remember that everyone has his or her own time to stay or go. Sharing this message is one way to promote understanding throughout the world.